I’m Not Okay and That’s Alright

Hi!

I’m feeling sad, angry, lonely, tired. And I don’t know why?

Well I do know why… I can’t get out of my own head.

I haven’t been keeping up with the goals I set in my head for myself.

This past year, I have achieved some major strides but as of right now I feel as if I’m getting too comfortable with myself and the routine and that’s not good. I need to get my head out of my ass and stop feeling bad for myself, I have people to support me no matter what and  I KNOW I can do anything I want or need to do but why am I holding myself back? 

Honestly, it’s the feel of failure.

Failure has been a big part of my life and I have managed to come through it but it is always in the back of my mind that once I start something and I’m doing good, my mind comes creeping in and says to me, You will fail so stop what you are doing. You don’t deserve to be happy and achieve your goals. 

I have caught myself recently feeling sorry for myself and its okay to not be okay sometimes but I realize I can not harp on that forever because it’s not good for me or people around me.

Generally, I am a happy person but I can’t seem to get over a hump or something in my mind. Basically, mind fucking myself for some reason or another. Plus this time of year is really hard on me, November is the anniversary of my dads death and his birthday and thanksgiving. I hate that there is happiness with sadness, it’s not fair.

I love thanksgiving because it brings together part of my family I normally don’t get to see and I will be starting a new tradition this year, with getting to know some new family which makes me happy.

 I miss my dad everyday and the month of November doesn’t make it any easier. I know he is watching over me and he would be proud of me but sometimes I think to myself, who he really be happy with the decisions I have made?

 What I am getting at is I’m not okay but I will be. I try each day to wake up happy and positive but there is a wave of something that comes over me and tries to take over, I get through it but some days I don’t and I hate feeling that way. I don’t like the feeling of letting people around me and myself down. 

I love myself and on certain days I don’t love myself but we can all relate on that. I feel like I’m failing at life because I compare my life to others. I am not where I want to be in life. 

I’m working on those things and I really, really, really want to lose weight, I have never wanted anything more in my life but every time I TRY I fail and that is very disconcerting.

Maybe I should stop trying and just go for it balls to the wall and tell my mind to shut the fuck up! 

I know I can because I have lost weight before but I want to lose it and keep it off. I don’t want to be the fattest girl in the room anymore. I don’t want to be the fat cousin or the fat but pretty faced friend.

I just want to be happy, successful and healthy. 

I will be okay and writing this all out on here has made me feel better. Each day that passes I know I have people around me that care and that are there to support me. The question is can I do that for myself?

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3 thoughts on “I’m Not Okay and That’s Alright

  1. Believe in yourself, easier said than done I know. We as women are more hard on ourselves than anyone else could ever be. What sometimes works for me is every time I put myself down about something, I force myself to think about something positive I’ve done or thought about myself. Took me a long time to start it and continue it and still think discouraging things about myself and don’t follow it up with a positive, but it almost comes second nature with me now, to think something bad and follow up with something positive. Start trying it now Paige, don’t be like me and wait until you’re in your sixties to start trying it. All those years of hating myself hard to overcome. You are a beautiful, special person Paige. Look in the mirror and tell yourself that. Love you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I would suggest creating your own healing ritual. Last year I wrote down all the things I wanted to give up in my life and burned the shit out of it. Doubt, past beliefs, comparison, all that. I realized I was carrying the baggage of my past, and that didn’t let me move forward. I also wrote a forgiving and loving letter to myself, to celebrate the person I am now and the person I want to be. Now every time a negative thought arrives, I change that thought with, “I am not that person anymore.” Do whatever you need to do, but make it a pact with yourself, that from now on, you’ll take control over your life. You are very much loved!

    Liked by 1 person

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